In an earlier blog I had discussed the ways to maintain happiness in the married life, here in this blog I will be discussing the different habits/ behaviours which generally drive a wedge in a relationship. When two people are in love, they tend to overlook lot many differences which later in life may become the reason for straining or breaking a relationship. Right mix of love and friendship is the fuel which drives any relationship. Like love, no relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee though options of limited warranties to repair a crack are always there. Constant efforts are required to be taken to sustain a relationship. In my view the main irritants which may finally drive love away and bring in a divide in any relationship are as given in succeeding paras.
Marriage certificates do not give ‘ownership rights’, while one can expect loyalty and trust but to expect that the other partner will seek your permission/ approval for every action of his/ her or should not have friends whom he/ she can meet whenever a need is felt is wrong. Overt exhibition of ownership rights is quite so common in India where a lady generally becomes just a surname, loses her maiden name after marriage, then there are ladies who also do not hesitate in expressing their rights and want to keep track of every movement the husband makes. Marriage or friendship does not give any of the partners the right to approve all. Space is a must for growth of a relationship; yes, one may want to know all but keeping too much of watch or check is more likely to suffocate and force the other partner to yearn for freedom. No relationship can survive on compromises, it has to be fueled by trust, understanding and love.
Condescending attitude has no place in a healthy relationship. No one is superior or has the right to make fun of or humiliate the other even in private. No human being in his / her right sense would like to stay in a relationship where they are being constantly ill-treated or made fun of. While corrections are acceptable but being mocked for a mistake is not. Any signs of disrespect by one partner are bound to draw a strong counter from the other and may lead to long sessions of arguments and weaken love, the bond on which the relationship started.
Healthy criticism or complaint are normal in any relationship, but over/ repetitive criticism and excessive complaining is likely to pull an individual away from a relationship, especially an attack on character. While criticism of a particular behaviour may be acceptable there is no room for personal attacks in a relationship. Habit of referring to a mistake time and again that too long after it has been righted is also a sure shot recipe for breaking a relationship.
While we all have been blessed with a beautiful mind by GOD and given the freedom to let the imagination fly high, nothing should be taken for granted or actions taken based on assumptions/ imagination in a relationship. It is always better to ask/ talk and clear a doubt than to assume things and sulk. No one is averse to talks and discussions but assuming and raising doubts especially about personal character will certainly help fissures grow in a relationship.
The repetitive acts of taking actions based on assumptions, personal attacks and causing humiliation by one person may force the other to go in a shell. Breakdown in communication is a sure indicator of a relationship going nowhere. It is the communication which keeps any relationship going, creating the bridge covering the divides which may emerge during the journey of life, a breakdown in one on one discussions will only guide one on to the path leading to a family court seeking separation.
The Parent factor
Love marriages are not very common in India and parents play a very important role in selection of a life partner for their children. Since the custom of joint families still exist parents do play a role in maintaining happiness in the married life of their children, especially in India. Most parents prepare a detailed sketch of the would-be daughter/ son in law in their mind much before they actually meet them. Majority of the parents in India want to have a say in the selection of the child’s life partner and God forbid if the child goes for a love match then even the most loving of the parents do put up a resistance. The parents do put loads of pressure on their son/ daughter to force his/ her life partner to fulfill their expectations and when life does not go as per their wish the tantrums start and the child, specially the Indian son finds it very difficult to go against his dear mother and cracks start to develop in his relationship with his wife.
Good morning Sir,
Nice blog Sir…
Thank you Rajkumar..
It is indeed the modern interpretation of a successful relationship, but I at this moment recollect an old story if you permit I will narrate it.
A boy and a girl were in love with eachother and ofcourse wanted to marry. But being of different castes, their parents were not allowing them to so. It was the time of Saint Kabir. So what to do now. Both of them ran away from home, and decided to get married.
But inner conscience and guilt disturbed both of them and they were on a state of dillema if their very act was appropriate and justifiable. Hence they wanted to seek an advise from a wise and elder man so on one afternoon they went to Saint Kabir and asked him.
Kabir after hearing them called his wife and said ” O Bhagwan it is so dark here please bring a diya”. His wife quitely went inside and brought a diya.
These young lovers were surprised and thought Kabir has gone insane. They said Kabir Ji it is broad daylight and you are telling that it is dark and your wife also brought diya without even questioning you. Kabir said my wife knew it was a day all of us know it was a day and Sun was shining but still she believed me.
If both of you have same faith and trust in eachother go and get married. Or else….
So this what is required in today’s relationship. We are in an era of trust deficit.
Thanks and regards. Siddharth.
The reasons for breakups have remained same over ages but the human tendency not to learn lessons leads to repetitions …..after reading a story every mind feels I can write a better narrative but then how many attempt?