Month: Jun 2018

Losing a dear one, specially a parent, at whatever stage of life, is painful. My father passed away when I was 47 and yet I have not been able to reconcile to the loss. The My job took me to several cities across India and as a result the parents could never stay for long duration with me as they preferred to live at the family home. We would meet once or twice in the year when I got some leave and visited them or they came over to my place once a while. These meetings were generally separated by a gap of five to six months when our contact used to be only through telephone. Passing of my father left a vacuum in life I am yet finding difficult to fill. My mother had left for her heavenly journey when I was 41.

I clearly remember, it was on 26 Apr 2012 at around 6 am in the morning that I got a call from sister that dad had not opened the bedroom door in the morning and the knocks were, not getting any response. My dad was used to getting up around 5 am in the morning and loved his morning walks and his not opening the door was certainly not a good sign and soon my worst fear came true when I got the second call, this time from my brother informing that they had forced open the door and dad was ‘No more’. He had apparently passed away in his sleep sometime in the night. Considering that he was nearing 84, still relatively fit and active, departing for his heavenly journey in this manner without any sufferings is considered the best. But still for me it was a great personal loss, which the mind and heart was not ready to accept.

What made me feel sadder was that for no apparent reason I had missed out on talking to my father for the past 10 days. I was always very attached to my dad and made it a point to speak to him at least two to three times a week, if not more.

After performing the last rites, I thought of just checking the call records of my dad just to see if he had made any call to anyone that night and to my utter shock he made three attempts to contact me between 10 and 11 pm at night but unfortunately on a number I was no longer using. Maybe he wanted to convey something about his health. I have ever since lived with this feeling of guilt of not being with my parents when they required me most.

Most of us move and live away from our parents for reasons of job/ education. We get so busy with our routine life, job and family that the time we spent with our parents goes on reducing. Even the calls become far in between, and the content remains a formality. My father preferred to live alone at the family home because of his friends around and his attachment to the place. Maybe he found himself closer to mom there. But then these are just excuses, I could have convinced or forced him to stay with me. I never tried hard enough. Now it’s all over and I can only live with a feeling of regret.

Having gone through all this I would make a sincere appeal to the young people to be more sensitive to the need of the parents/ elders in the family. If they can’t be with you permanently, take time out to be with them. Make it a point to speak with them at least once a day. We can never be so busy that we get no time to talk to our own people. No use regretting later, make amends now. You will not lose out on anything by spending time with elders.

“You don’t have to look for reasons to hug your parents/ elders……just hug them whenever you can…..get blessings for lifetime”

 

We in India take pride in our old age traditions and culture of family bonding. Indian culture thrived on family bonding. Once a relationship was formed, it was for life. The strong family bonds continue even now, though the cities have seen a shift from joint to nuclear families.

Children are generally moving out of parental home for reasons of profession and also to a large extent, after marriage, in search of independence. Cases of separation/ divorce are on the increase. The elders, somehow, blame it on the increasing effect of western culture, but that may not be the main reason at all. 

The joint families had a major advantage of emotional, physical and financial support available within the family. Whenever there was a problem the entire family used to revolve around to help resolve the issue. The work load was equitably distributed between all family members. However, as the families grew bigger the requirements increased, specially of the space, living and work space both. Thus, the need to move to alternate places emerged. Job opportunities was a major reason of young adults moving base from rural to urban centers. 

Though the males apparently were the patriarchs in the family but in reality, the families revolved around the mothers, the ladies. It is the ladies who took care of the family, brought up children, helped maintained family bonding. Was, emotional support and love the only reasons for the family bonding, the reason for marriage to last till death interfered? Well, at the face of it, appeared so. However, in reality the reasons may be beyond emotions. In Indian families, girls, since ages, have been brought up with a mindset that their main role in life is to take care of the family, bring up children. The ladies were supposed to stay in home and only men folk were supposed to go out and work. Girls were generally groomed to be homely, not actually empowered to have a professional career. Rather the girls were discouraged from pursuing a job. Situation in rural areas or towns have still not changed much where girls are groomed with the mindset that they require the support of the man to survive. They have to be married at the earliest possible age. 

Once the girls were not empowered to face the world, to be independent, they were forced to accept whatever life came their way after marriage. Even if the lady was not happy with her way of life, after marriage, she generally endured it all because of the fear of survival, if marriage broke. The parents forced/ convinced the girls to make compromises/ adjust. 

Now, the modern-day girls in cities and to some extent in small towns are educated and longing to have a professional career. They are sure of themselves and don’t feel the need of a man to survive. Even boys want to move out of the shadows of elders to grow on their own strength. An educated, empowered girl/ boy will not take nonsense from anyone. Even husbands don’t like to see their wives being humiliated by elders in the name of culture and traditions. These are the main reasons giving rise to nuclear families, forcing young adults to leave the parental homes. There is a flip side to it; even small difference in opinion at times grow into major issues, as there are no elders around to help resolve the problems.  When both, husband and wife are working, the child suffers to an extent. They are not able to give the child the attention he deserves. 

A change in mindset, which encourages independence under the same roof, is required, if family bonding have to foster. Parents have to change their outlook. Even the youngsters have to evolve and understand their responsibility towards parents and family as a whole. 

“Profession may force a child to stay away from parent, but the emotions can’t be allowed to die”

 

I remember years back, much before the Multi-National Companies(MNCs) stepped in India, much before the Tutorials/ Coaching classes became ‘fashionable’, evenings used to be so much fun. 

People of all age used to eagerly await the arrival of the evening to hit the play grounds, the parks or just to meet friends and walk on the roads. The women folk could be seen sitting in groups, latest gossips/ ideas being exchanged in a friendly environment. The couple of hours spent in the evening with friends used to be the real stress busters. There were no day and night cricket matches, evenings used to be left free for the people to interact, to socialise. 

Where have those evenings gone? Where has that leisure vanished? I am afraid, the evenings are still there, people, the fun, the laughter has gone missing. The kids are tied up in the books, running from classrooms in the day to the tutorials/ coaching classes in the evenings. Much of youth/ middle age is spent behind the workstations trying to earn much more than what can be spent. Love, which used to bloom in the gardens, under the trees or by the lake side is now being exchanged through messages/ smileys online.  At homes , TV and cell phones have more or less taken over the space for meaningful conversations. Stress levels are going high with young kids suffering from high blood pressure, obesity, heart problems, diabetes and what not. Where are we headed for? 

People step out of the homes in the morning and step back in at night (a large number late night). It seems as if the evenings have ceased to exist. Fortunately, the evenings still exist, the beauty is still around in nature, waiting for the people to realise and enjoy. It is for us, the people, to slow down, to set our schedule right, get back the old routine, get back the laughter. 

We have all become part of the rat race, knowing fully well that the one who wins will still remain a rat. We have to get back our human senses, start being social. Use the evening to unwind, de-stress, spend time with family/ friends. Get the laughter back in the air.